The wheel of advancement has perhaps never moved as fast as it has over the past decade. We have adapted to metrics unknown a decade or two ago: streets studded with brightly lit shops, advanced cars, clothes intensely in vogue, upgraded technologies, and income sufficient enough to sustain a fairly comfortable life. In many ways, it’s a good time to exist.
The part that should worry us, however, is the rise in mental health issues. People are silently suffering, even as they project an aura of invincibility. As a result, academics suffer, relationships fail, addictions rise, self-hatred increases while self-worth decreases, self-destruction intensifies, and crimes occur.
However much we might try to maintain perfection and control, the neglect of our inner world inevitably backfires. The cracks do eventually break open. The invisible smoke of anxiety lingers. The more we sideline it, the more intense its response becomes. It helps no one.
To break this cycle, we need a change of attitudes that encourage us to speak and open our inner selves – speak to ourselves, to others, to pages, and to therapists. It doesn’t matter how complicated or unsettling your personal histories are. Nothing in the world is a sin except for hurting another person. Therefore, let the wildly festering thoughts and wounds scream out; let yourself feel a sigh of relief. Who knows if this could be the first needed step toward bringing much-needed stability to you?
It is okay is everything is not alright. Not everyone is fine. Some are disappointed; others, depressed; still others, absolutely broken.
That which, after self-awareness, has a direct bearing on our “now” needs to be analysed to regain agency and some sense of normalcy. If not normalcy, then at least insight into our subconscious minds. Here, I would like to elaborate with my personal experience.
Partial Disclosure
I easily grow attached to people I speak to. Falling for someone mutates into a dreadful, anxious attachment: should the connection feel disrupted, the world comes crashing down. I withdraw, writhe through unbearable psychic pain, return, sense no longer being wanted, feel disappointed; and the cycle continues.
I am clingy. I struggle socially. Standing up straight feels heavy; distractions feel godly. Going cold turkey over, or even reducing, unhealthy digital indulgences and smoking fail miserably. I rarely laugh; I can’t cry. I feel like a repository of repressed emotions and feelings.
I weigh forty-eight kilograms at twenty-eight years of age, despite being five feet nine inches tall. I neglect myself. Whoever brings me relief, I cling to. My academics have suffered. I have never been to college regularly, hardly attended university, missed semesters, completed my Master’s late, and drifted without direction. My room is in disarray as I write this, a cigarette between my lips, lying under the covers. Everything feels meaningless, absurd, and heavy. Yet, I am aware.
Impartial Disclosure
I was two years old when my mother passed away. This fissure deepened when I was taken in by my paternal aunt, while my siblings were raised elsewhere by other relatives. Fragmented memories of them lingered. When they visited, happiness knew no bounds. But when they left, mourning began; quietly, internally.
I would stare blankly at trees, mountains, roads, and cars while traveling back. I would keep small souvenirs - walnuts, pebbles, even nails -as tokens of remembrance. This cycle of visitation, separation, and longing continued for years. Repression took root.
Over time, repression gave way to coping mechanisms. Unhealthy digital indulgence and 'self-gratification' provided relief. They became substitutes for emotional processing. Dopamine hits acted like temporary antidotes to a deeper wound. The root cause remained; only the methods of coping multiplied.
Later, smoking became another coping mechanism. With time, coping turned into habit. Habits remained; emotions went dormant. Nothing was resolved; yet I survived.
As life progressed, circumstances changed, but patterns remained. My father underwent surgery for a spinal tumor. I temporarily abandoned earlier coping strategies and developed a new one: emotional dependence on a girl. Obsession followed. She eventually disappeared without explanation.
Later, my father was diagnosed with multiple myeloma. The weight of it was immense. Yet I continued with my long-established survival strategies. I began living imagined futures in the present; tasting them mentally, then abandoning them. Reality blurred with imagination.
Despite everything, I found myself seeking emotional expression through attachments, searching for warmth, intimacy, and permanence. My indulgence in erotica and self-gratification was not about desire alone. It pointed toward a deeper need: for a stable partner, someone who would not disappear like figures from my childhood. The system had fractured early, and I continue to carry it.
The patterns I struggle with today (clinginess, obsession, anxiety) are not random. They are rooted in developmental trauma. Personal history matters. As Carl Jung observed, “We carry our past with us in the form of the unconscious.”
Recently, I lost my foster father. His memories strike like a storm. He loved me, fed me, raised me, and he is gone. Yet I could not cry. Only a burning sensation near my eyes.
Too much lies dormant within me. Coupled with ongoing struggles and behavioural patterns, I find it difficult to remain grounded. Self-sabotage is not a failure of willpower. It is the manifestation of a fractured inner system. Trauma continues to shape the present.
When emotions overpower reason, clarity becomes the casualty. Health becomes secondary. Survival takes precedence.
Human beings can go to great lengths to survive. But self-awareness can uncover the deepest layers of our being, shaping behavior, personality, and future direction.
We are all suffering in different ways: some more, some less. Before everything collapses, pause and evaluate yourself.
(Note: These reflections are personal and do not diminish the importance of professional mental health support.)
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