Syed Batool Andrabi
SRINAGAR: A young boy’s forced pursuit of an IIT dream culminated in a devastating end, raising pertinent questions about the consequences of parental pressure on the career choices of their children.
A Class 12 student hailing from Srinagar, who had been forcefully sent to Kota for IIT coaching by his parents, ended his life at the young age of 18, about a month ago.
The boy was a sixth-grade student when he was first sent to Kota, was pushed into the relentless pursuit of becoming an IITian against his own will. His parents, harbouring dreams of academic success, believed that an early exposure to the rigorous environment of Kota would mould him for success.
However, the young student, deeply attached to his family, particularly his mother, was devastated by the separation. Despite his pleas, his family, driven by their ambition, insisted that he should study in Kota.
Struggling to acclimate to the challenging environment, the boy witnessed his peers engaging in harmful activities like smoking and drugs. He first resisted but gradually found drifted to this path, as it seemed the only way to cope with the alienating surroundings.
His family, preoccupied with his academic success, remained oblivious to his emotional struggles. Despite three failed attempts at rehabilitation, the family persisted in sending him back to Kota, prioritizing their dream of seeing him as an IITian.
The tragic climax unfolded during a heated argument with his mother. Distraught and feeling cornered, the young teenager retreated to his room and hanged himself from a ceiling fan, leaving behind a shattered family.
“Distraught and feeling cornered, the young teenager retreated to his room and hanged himself from a ceiling fan, leaving behind a shattered family.”
Relatives and acquaintances, grappling with the aftermath, expressed their grief. A close relative lamented, “We repeatedly tried to convey the toll it was taking on him, but they were fixated on the IIT dream. It’s devastating that it had to end like this.”
Another family friend said: “The pressure on these young minds is immense. It’s a wake-up call for parents to consider the mental well-being of their children along with their academic pursuits.”
A former classmate shared, “We saw the struggle he went through, but it seemed like no one was really listening. It’s a tragic reminder of the importance of understanding and supporting mental health in our academic systems.”
The narratives of affected individuals illuminate how parents compel their children into specific career choices while trying to fulfil their unmet dreams through their children.
Tragically, such coercive influence can lead to severe consequences, exemplified by the above heart-wrenching incident in Srinagar.
Dr. Yuman Kawoos, a Clinical Psychiatrist and lecturer at the Institute of Mental Health and Neurosciences, Srinagar said: “Parenting is a very challenging responsibility. We, as parents, should be able to create a balance. We should not be extremely authoritarian or permissive towards our children. We should rather try to create a balance. We should keep a scope for discussions.”
She also emphasized on the crucial role of open communication and understanding in creating an environment conducive to the mental well-being of children.
Conversations with students serve as poignant reminders of the significant impact parental decisions can have on the trajectory of their lives. Instances of suppressed aspirations leading to anxiety, depression, and, in some cases, suicidal thoughts underscore the dire consequences of parental pressure on career choices.
“Even now, more than a year later, I sometimes feel like giving up on my life because I cannot shrug off the fact that my parents became my worst enemies when I shared my dreams with them. This thought continues to haunt me.”
Gender-bias in parenting
The prevailing societal norms in Kashmir, where gender bias significantly influences decisions related to education and careers, are also brought to light through these stories.
A student from the University of Kashmir wishing not to be named said, “I wanted to move to Kerala for higher studies, but my parents are very conservative and would never allow me to move out of Kashmir for studies. I am currently studying at the University of Kashmir. I like my subject but feel disappointed because of my shattered dream of studying in Kerala. I am sure if my brother asks the same, nobody is going to stop him because he is a boy after all, and that’s what it’s like in Kashmir.”
Similarly, a student of engineering at the Islamic University of Science and Technology in Awantipora said, “I have always been a second priority at my home. We are two siblings – my sister and I. My parents keep pampering her, neglecting my emotional needs, and say it very easily that I am a boy, and it’s okay if I am in pain. I should not be complaining about my emotions.”
Zarnain Noor revealed, “I am currently a postgraduate student, and though I aspire to continue my studies, my family insists on my marriage once I complete my degree. I strive to persuade them, envisioning a better future for myself, be economically independent and not dependant on my future husband.”
Mental Health issues
The stories shared not only depict personal struggles but also highlight a broader societal issue of negligence towards mental health.
The stories tell us about personal struggles and a bigger problem of not caring enough about mental health.
They say parents should know and support their kids’ dreams while balancing school and mental well-being.
These stories show we need to change how parents raise kids. We should focus on understanding, supporting, and talking openly. The bad effects of bad parenting tell us all to think and change how we raise our kids. Parents should be careful about how their choices affect their kids’ mental well-being and dreams.
A student at the University of Kashmir, said on conditions of anonymity, “My parents wanted me to become a doctor. When I completed my class 12, they sent me for NEET coaching. However, I was not interested in medical sciences, so I decided to prepare for the entrance exams of JNU and JMI Delhi without letting my parents know. While they assumed I was continuing with NEET preparations, I was actually focusing on Law entrance exams. When my NEET results were out, I didn’t make the cut, but I was selected for JNU and JMI. I pleaded with my parents, desperate to pursue Law from a prestigious university, but they insisted I drop a year and resume NEET preparations. This period left me devastated and frustrated, leading to a decline in my mental and physical health”.
“I spent 3 to 4 months at home, which, genuinely speaking, was the worst time of my life. Uncertain about my future, I was surprised when my parents eventually decided to abandon their initial decision. One day, my mom approached me and said, ‘Go for your dream career choice; your Baba and I have decided to give up on our previous stance.’ At that time, Kashmir University entrance exams were underway. I took the exam, got selected, and now I am here at KU’s Law School. Despite being admitted to my dream course, I still feel drained due to the anxiety and depression I endured in the past. Had my parents understood my aspirations at the right time, things would have worked well for me, and perhaps I could have retained my intellectual capabilities, which were impacted due to depression. Even now, more than a year later, I sometimes feel like giving up on my life because I cannot shrug off the fact that my parents became my worst enemies when I shared my dreams with them. This thought continues to haunt me.”
Aiman Lateef, a student, shared a story about one of her close relatives. “At an early age, this child was sent far from home to live with some close relatives. Unfortunately, these relatives subjected the child to menial household chores in addition to the demands of school. This was a time when children typically enjoy their childhood-playing, and spending time with their immediate family. However, this child, rather tragically, was burdened with the responsibilities of a homemaker,” she said.
“She was tasked with chores such as washing clothes and cleaning the house, yet her efforts were unappreciated, and she was unjustly blamed for not doing enough. These circumstances led to a deepening sense of despair and depression,” Aiman said.
One day, her parents went to visit her and discovered that she was unwell and unwilling to attend school. Concerned, they took her for a medical check-up, during which the doctor diagnosed her with clinical depression. At that time, she was just 11 years old.
Instead of seeking proper treatment and understanding, her parents chose to suppress her the fact because they associated depression with stigma.
Frightened and unable to share her feelings with anyone, her confidence is now shattered, said Aiman.
Aisha Jahangir shared insights on toxic parenting, highlighting the adverse impact on children. She said, “Parents imposing their expectations contribute to rising suicide cases. In Kashmir, women are often restricted from studying or working outside the region. Parents should recognize that their children are their own flesh and blood, understanding their ambitions instead of suppressing their dreams. Creating awareness among parents is crucial for a better understanding of their children.”
What Experts Say?
Dr. Tasleema, the Dean of the School of Education and Behavioural Science in Kashmir, said, “I’ve observed parents compelling their children into specific career paths, such as medicine or engineering, disregarding their children’s capabilities. Parents often set high expectations without considering their children’s interests and potentials. They are mindful of our children’s physical health but neglect their mental well-being. It’s crucial not to subject them to unnecessary competition with their peers.”
The problem of toxic parenting is not Kashmir specific but exists world-wide, compelling psychologists to conduct several studies and research on the issue.
“Parents often set high expectations without considering their children’s interests and potentials. They are mindful of our children’s physical health but neglect their mental well-being. It’s crucial not to subject them to unnecessary competition with their peers.” – Dr Tasleema
In line with the personal narratives we heard in Kashmir, a meta-analysis conducted by the International Journal of Child and Adolescent Health revealed a concerning increase in mental health issues among children subjected to toxic parenting. The meta-analysis, reviewing data from multiple studies worldwide, found a consistent pattern linking toxic parenting behaviours to heightened risks of anxiety, depression, and behavioural disorders in children. Also, a study by the Child Development Institute delved into the impact of parental expectations on children’s mental health. The study, spanning over a decade and involving thousands of participants, identified a clear correlation between unrealistic parental expectations and heightened stress levels in children, ultimately contributing to long-term mental health challenges. These studies collectively emphasise the urgency of addressing toxic parenting behaviours and their pervasive impact on the mental well-being of children. The intersection of academic expectations, career coercion, and societal norms further compounds the challenges faced by today’s youth, necessitating a holistic approach to parenting that prioritises emotional support, open communication, and an understanding of individual aspirations.
Aggressive Behaviour
Shahid Shabir recounted a witnessing an experience with a neighbour’s family, stating, “I’ve witnessed a couple in the neighbourhood engaged in constant quarrels, impacting their son who grew up witnessing these domestic conflicts. As a teenager, he now exhibits aggressive behaviour, even resort to physical violence.” “Society shouldn’t blame the child but rather hold the parents accountable for not considering the effects of their disputes on their child,” he opines.
In a recent study conducted by researchers it has been revealed that children exposed to hostile parenting at the tender age of three are 1.5 times more likely than their peers to exhibit mental health symptoms meeting high-risk criteria by the age of nine.
One of the key findings of this research on the Irish teenagers is the long-term effects of early exposure to toxic parenting on mental health outcomes. Dr. Emily Thompson, lead researcher from Cambridge, emphasises, “Our study underscores the enduring impact of hostile or toxic parenting on children’s mental health. The vulnerability established in early childhood persists and manifests in high-risk symptoms later in life.” The study’s comprehensive approach, examining both psychological and physical aspects of toxic parenting, provides valuable insights into the nuanced ways parental behaviour influences a child’s mental health trajectory.
Building on this research, psychologists categorise parenting into two main archetypes: Authoritarian and permissive. However, the modern parenting landscape often witnesses a deviation towards extremes, with parents oscillating between authoritative and permissive styles. Notably, the current paradigm reflects a trend where parents, juggling demanding schedules and home responsibilities, channel their frustrations onto their children. What was once a nurturing responsibility has, for some reasons, transformed into a burdensome duty, lacking the essential elements of love and affection.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Susan states, “When children are not encouraged to try, explore, master, or take the risk of failing, they frequently feel inadequate and powerless. Restrained by fearful and nervous parents, these kids frequently grow up to be fearful and nervous adults. They find it challenging to grow up as a result. Many never get over the need for constant supervision and guidance from their parents. Because of this, their parents still barge in, control, and often times take over their lives; this is another example of toxic parenting, and it is something we should look into.”
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